Yawp! F*cking YAWP!

I can't sleep right now. My throat hurts to bad that I can't really think about anything else.

I just need to write something, even if it is disjointed and makes no difference. It makes me feel human, I guess.

I'm thinking a lot about my future and how I seem to be moving away from all of the creative parts of my personality toward the mundane. I hate the idea that I could go through life without ever producing something truly remarkable, but I've set myself up for that very struggle. It's not too late, but man I've made it a lot harder.

I grew up in a town that seems to cling to inspiration and creativity as the ultimate purpose of humanity. I was taught that being innovative is more important than being popular, and this lesson became a part of me.

In the movie "Almost Famous," the character Lester Bangs refers to life as our "long journey to the middle." I thought a lot about this idea today as I wallowed in my sickness and watched old episodes of South Park online, and I will make it the working thesis for this entry.

I am having radical thoughts about my life right now. I am weighing options such as dropping out of school, joining the Peace Corps, learning to be a creative writer, joining a band, becoming part of an underground political movement, moving to Europe for good, and so on. I think apathy is what keeps me from doing these things more than logistics, along with a sense of duty to my parents and other people who have invested a good amount of energy into my current situation. As much as I hate being told I'm part of a group and that my dilemmas aren't unique, I know that there are lots of other students my age that are weighing these and other radical options with varying degrees of excitement.

The central theme of these thoughts is really nothing more than finding a way to stand on the rooftops of the world and sound off a cry: "I AM ME. I AM NOT CERTAIN OF WHO I AM, BUT I AM CERTAIN THAT I AM NOT YOU AND I AM NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM."

I just don't know what I want to be. It's eating at me every day and I can't figure it out. I am unremarkable and generally disinterested in all of my current options. Something needs to change soon.